Here at the Bureau of the Impertinently Inane, we do the in-depth reporting that other sources skip. While they move on to the latest breaking fad stories like "Giant Earthquake Displaces Millions" or "Plane Wreck Kills Entire Government of Thousand Year Old State and NATO Ally", we continue digging - detailing the flip side of stories that never mattered on the unflipped side.
So when a story breaks about Nicolas Cage being broke, and photos are leaked showing the insides of his foreclosure-facing mansion, well we really couldn't give a damn. But when the photos look like Salvador Dali's worst nightmares - that might have some implications!
http://news.yahoo.com/There had to be larger implications of this. Surely something this bizzare had to be of interest to some unusual parties. We found just that party! In an exclusive interview, because no one else thought to ask, we spoke with the lead jargonist of the Sub-Femto Scale Parametric Trace Curl Research Group at CERN-LHC, the half-backwards acronym for the giant particle accellerator which is expected to soon break records for smashing very tiny things into even tinier things at ludicrous speeds.
Olaf Olafbergstrossensoninger-Smith said, "While the Americans have outspent the rest of the world combined on pure and applied science for generations, we finally have one instrument where we can take the lead. But we have one intractable problem. We're going to be measuring the smallest quantities ever known to humankind, and we just can't decide what to call them! Sure there are ideas for names, but they're stuck in a series of committees and panels and every country's rep has their own agenda. It's a typically Continental political quagmire."
Mr. Ola...-Smith's eyes brightened as he continued. "But now we have such a clear sign, that the new names are inescapable! Hollywood comes through for us again! (Seriously, I don't why these French filmmakers can't quit with the dire coming-of-age period pieces...) My whole science team talks bad about glossy American films, but the hard drives here are jammed full of Avatar and Transformers bootlegs."
The Nicolas Cage story has provided the team with a wealth of new names for these practically infinitesimal quantities.
"We have used values like 'charm' for the more exotic particle properties in the past. Now, to describe the behavior of the most tiny and hard to find objects, we clearly have to use 'Nicolas-Cage-Taste'."
"Some particles we expect to find will burn brightly for a short time, then fade out and possibly reverse their properties. The scale of reversal will be named the Nicolas-Cage-Fiscal-Discipline.'
For the decay time of the very short lived particles, we will now use Ghost-Rider-to-DVD-seconds."
Now that Hollywood has the attention of the researchers, they are finding other obvious sources of naming conventions.
"There are small-scale electrical properties we also must name. For the resistance of a superconductive ion particle cloud we are planning to use the 'Movie-exec-resistance-to-a-Michael-Bay-pitch-Ohm'."
