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Things I Said at Work Recently

..Things I Said at Work Recently

There's a reason the blog has been slow the last few months.  It's ultimately the same reason I keep a separate file for email at work, which is password encrypted.  It's labeled 'personal', but really most of it is 100% work-related.  It's stuff that one might not want the boss, or any other ignorant cow-orkers, to see.

Following are a few lines straight from my out-box.  Most of these go to just two sympathetic ears, which shall not be named so they can remain anonymous under their red hair.

"This reminds me of an old proverb.  It goes something like “Send me a stupid question once, shame on thee.  Send me the same stupid question a month later… BURN IN THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF HELL YOU WORTHLESS MORON!”"

"This isn't engineering - it's archaeology.  {hums the Indiana Jones theme while burrowing through treacherous file folders and ERP systems...}"

"But in step 3.A.XI of the QP IR manual it _clearly_ states that Procurement Specialist is required to give a complete disposition of the pricing options for all expediting methods!"
(There is, of course, no such manual)

"It’s right there in the company business portal, next to the PDM system where we file all the engineering drawings so everyone can find them easily.  (Though I just have our secretary do all that for me.)"
(In response to an uncertain question about where said manual might be located)

"My New Favorite Word:
Impedership: The art of de-motivating employees.
We could teach a seminar on this!"

"And as usual you get 'volunteered'."

"You’re giving them waaaaaay too much credit!
It goes back as far as Sun Tzu: If your adversary looks to be playing a deviously clever gambit, it’s probably only because he blundered and got lucky."

“We’ve gone through four rounds of layoffs and multiple reorganizations without seeing the simplest of supporting tools like an org chart or workflow charts.  People do not know where to look or who to ask to get their jobs done.”
(that went to both my boss and the CEO)

"Just in case of the remote possibility that you're not have a perfectly fantastic day..."

"Isn’t it nice that we have the system so automated that we can just order stuff blindly when requirements come up?"
(After rush re-ordering custom labels that had a three year old address on them)

"This week _will_ be better.  I mean, could it get any worse?
On second thought... don't answer that!"

"Tired.
Of.
Answering.
The.
Same.
Obvious.
Questions.

Over.

And.

Over!!!!"

"So... in-demand skills aren't critical... loyalty is not part of the equation...
What must management think of those who are left??"
(after the fourth round of layoffs in two years)

"“Pneumatics World!  You’ve Pnever been thrilled like this before!”"

"We work for cheap and the snide commentary is free. "

"It’s an ancient Babylonian phrase meaning, “Get me the hell out of this stupid place!”.  It was found by archaeologists at the bottom of a tablet where a clerk had been told to make a sketch of wine, with a router for the grape processing, before any more could be served in the King’s palace."

"Gaaaaaaah!  It’s the same damn question, again and again and again….
I didn’t come here to give English lessons!!"

"I caught that on the first day.  And like you, I still _hope_ it’s a joke."

"I read a ton of Dilbert stuff, back when I was working at a cool little two-man software/consulting company.  I thought I got it then… but I had no idea!"

"A new definition:
Sacrelicious – Using Pringles as communion wafers."

"This is the bliss of bringing headphones."

"And now I’m going to be humming Mission Impossible all day when ever I go get coffee… I mean reconnoiter the commissary to steal the secret formula."

"I can debug this one remotely: PEBCAK."

"Gosh, I wonder how an error could get into our system setup…
Would you stop to proof read a message that goes out to EVERYONE?"
(after the IT goon sent an embarrassingly mis-splet and grammerrd message to ALL)

"Over time they will break us down, one insult at a time."

"I only copied you on that one so you could see how STUPID it was.  Years ago Xxx Xxxx was the first kid where the teacher wrote “LOSER” on his paper.  Zero imagination, limited initiative.  He has _very_ few fans."


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Shawn Mahaney
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