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Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Festering Rage

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Festering Rage

Maybe I'm too open.  I do breach the TMI barrier sometimes with friends, though I'm learning which ones are more sensitive.  Still, I think it best to be direct and frank, especially with a new acquaintance. So I am. 

Ever have a first date and feel like you didn't really learn anything?  Well it just might be YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.  From the experts on "What's Wrong with Us Women?" at we get a list of "15 Questions We Would Love to Ask Our Dates -- but Don't"

Their dating experts (i.e. lonely couch-bound wine sippers) came up with fifteen questions that they think most women are dying to ask, but inexplicably don't.  I guess they'd rather make up their own answers before they decide to not call me back any more. 

Let's just run through the list.

1. Were you disappointed or excited when you first saw me?
"There is a saying that women become more attracted to the men they fall in love with, but men fall in love with the women they're attracted to."
We can skip right past that one, since it's based on utter bullshit.

2. Are you mentally unstable?
That's just a silly question.  The truly disturbed are not self-aware about it, and the low-grade sociopath isn't going to admit to it. 

3. Do you share food?
Why you gotta ask?  Just reach your fork over and take a stab at my plate.  I ordered it, I'll certainly like that you're interested in it, and will be pleased if you like it too.

4. How many pairs of shoes do you own, and which pair do you wear the most?

Why would you not ask this??  Most guys would shrug and give an unsure "Three or four... I dunno." [The truth will be closer to a dozen, but he honestly doesn't know], but a few will get excited and tell you all about his collection and how he scored a faaabulous set of moc-toe Italians at...  yeah, whatever.

5. How often do you think you'd be giving me massages?
Again, why stop to ask? Just slide on over next to me and find out!

6. Are you doing your dream job -- and do you care?
"Men who don't identify with the work they do could end up depressed on a daily basis."
This one is true - so ask it!  Saying 'I'm not going to ask the really important questions' is so asinine it's practically.... feminine!

7. How many girls have you hooked up with this year?
Why not ask what you really mean, "What's for breakfast?".
Just kidding.  Mostly.  (I make a spiffy omelette)  The real question is "Do you prefer 'hooking up' or having someone to share more time with?"

8. Does anyone else think they're dating you right now?
If you have any intention of seeing this guy again, this is a must.  Don't walk away wondering - or with a false confidence.

9. What's the most common thing you've heard when girls see you naked for the first time?
So, is the same person who asked #7 supposed to be asking this one?  And is there really ever much conversation at that point??

10. Why did your last relationship really end?
Go ahead and ask, but don't expect much.  The answer will usually be 'I dunno.  She wouldn't tell me.'

11. How many exes are you still in touch with?
I don't know why you'd want to get into this, unless you're planning ahead.

12. How do you fight?
Stick around, find out.  It might be worth it.

13. When I say the word "marriage," what do you think?
Lawyers.  Oh, sorry, that was my answer.  In general it's perfectly fair conversation material, unless the lady harbors fantasies of bowling-ball-size shiny rocks being tossed at her by a line of marriage-minded suitors.

14. What percentage of the time do you think your pee actually hits the toilet water?
Go ahead and rant, no need to be passive-agressive like that.  I can go on for hours about the physics and variability of the problem.  At which point you'll wonder why guys don't just sit down and shoot point-blank every time.

15. How soon would you be open to kids, and do you even want children?
Again, get it out there.  It doesn't have to be about him and you necessarily, but it's a basic part of where a person is in thier journey.

Let me repeat something I've said before: The trite is the least worthy of our consideration, and banality is the most unforgivable sin.  So speak what's on your mind, learn all that you can about your partner, and above all:  LOVE LOUD!


Shawn Mahaney
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