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Reflections and Walnut Shells

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Reflections and Walnut Shells

This wasn't always a silly place full of mugshots and puns.  I tried to do a serious advice column once.
I Tried Doing an Advice Column - March 3rd.
Ok, so that didn't work out.  And so we fell back on odd news, mugshots, dumb crooks, random rants, and lots of barely related suggestive photos - like my favorite "mugshot".

Yep, this is the annual recap blog!  In 2009 there were 129 published pieces, totalling 107 megabytes, as saved with all the extra Myspace scripts.  With that kind of output, some would say I should be working as a professor in Macademia.

We opened the year by calling for nuclear annihilation of a country,
Mama Valkryie! - January 3rd.
But at least it's not an English-speaking nation.
"Musical film Mamma Mia! has become the UK's biggest-selling DVD of all time, according to official figures."

In between bad jokes and nutty stories, there were other rants.
Never More Mad at the World - July 15, about Bruce Jenner being introduced as a 'reality TV star'.
"To all the media-addled drones out there who have made the “reality” TV circus possible, to anyone who’s ever made brain-drainingly banal office conversation out of puerile shock TV, to every last person who still goes out of his or her way to make time for this puss-frosted crap..."

Is There No Excitement Left? - August 5, about hikers getting lost, IN IRAN.
"Let's go somewhere where we can hike rugged terrain, without a map, without a guide, where we don't speak the language, in a war zone, without bodyguards, 10,000 miles from our home country, on the border of a hostile paranoid theocracy that will probably be nuked by Israel any minute!"

Enough about my own angry ramblings.  How about the stories of hapless perps, who often make us paint scenes that are hard to believe without the security camera footage.  Some are tough to swallow, but I think you cashew on it.

This One Needs a Tele-Strator - January 6
"Try really hard now to capture this entire scene: angry clerk, embarrassed robber - with underwear on his head, holding the butt of a broken knife, being chased... by two guys on a golf cart."

Father and Sons... and Larceny! - June 11
"When a coach comes up with a unique exercise in teamwork, you'd expect people to laud the effort! but maybe not in this case..."

"Little League coach accused of coaching boys to steal"

Friday for the Fans - January 16
"Female Shoplifter Run Over by Getaway Car — Twice"

Some stories were better illustrated, and some of the pictures were rather unfortunate.

You'll Thank Me - March 9.
"Dominique Fisher, 22, of Roebuck Close in Blackburn, used a craft knife to write her name on Wayne Robinson's arm."  She did a lot more than that, too!

Do Not Read the Second Half Before Lunch - January 12
"It's a medical mystery that surgeons never got to  the bottom of in a hospital casualty room - how a woman patient ended up with a  can of hairspray up her backside. But she refused to say just how the can came to be  there even after a successful, delicate operation to remove the  aerosol."
You might not want to go look at that one.  Just sayin'.

The Unholy Trifecta - November 7.
"Three of your favorites are odd news, idiot perps, and embarrassing mug shots.  Well, we hit the motherlode"
If you think we can't top the classic mugshots of the past, well I say Yes We Pecan!

Not all odd news is about the less-fortunate, the bumbling criminal with brains the size of pine nuts.  some of the stories have a positive side!

Economic Stimulus - Supply and Demoan - March 26.
""One of the oldest banks of its kind in the United States, Xytex International, on Tuesday rolled out a stimulus package for customers who are hurting in these tough economic times."  Regular readers will know [/me waves to the maximum security psych ward - thanks for your letters!] that there's a twist coming.  Well, more of a splash than a twist... "Xytex is a sperm bank, and it's offering up to 200 dollars off a vial of sperm to clients wishing to start or add to their family, but need a little help.""

Your Future is Not In the Stars - It's In the Moon - August 19
"Today we learn about a long-lost ancient art, which is a perfect marriage of astrology and palm reading - Rumpology!  Yep, the craters in your own moon can tell us not just what kind of toilet paper you use, but if you're going to get screwed in romance or if brown-nosing at work will put you in the executive washroom."

Different Takes on The Pageant Thing - July 13
""We want to show the general public that the nuclear industry is an industry like any other," Ilya Platonov, who heads up Nuclear.Ru which runs the event, told ABC News. "Ordinary people work in it, including young, attractive women.""

Occasionally even I will cashew the puns and jabs and even the smugness, and let a wholesome uplifting article through.

What A Hopeless Gee... Ok, It's Really Cool - February 3; Engineer builds an amazing all-wood pipe organ.

Is It Real, or Is It Memo-sketch? - February 8; The hyper-realistic pencil drawings of Paul Lung

A recurring theme is the Bad Day at Work, from morticians to firefighters to an aging porn star with the physique of a Brazil nut.

He Looks So... Lifelike - September 14; Funeral home has the right casket, right suit, but THE WRONG BODY!

Bad Day at Work - Hook and Ladder Edition - April 3; You'd be surprised how often there's a fire - AT THE FIRE STATION!

Weakest Legal Case Ever - March 4; Ron Jeremy is sued for touching a breast, AT A PORN CONVENTION!
"Some people seem to be surprised that, after standing in line for a ticket, between a gaggle of transvestite burlesque performers and a professional traveling Catholic school marm B&D mistress, and buying a frozen dildo popsicle at the concession, and checking out box covers for "Oh My Gape" volumes 13 thru 37, and wiping some disturbingly effective lube sample off their hands, that someone might casually sign a boob without explicit prompting."

Yep, it's been a great year for un-greatness!  so happy new year to everyone and, as always,  LOVE LOUD!

Huh?  What's that?  Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.  There were a few bits from a 'guest rodent'.

Ok, here they are again.  It's important to remember that _everything_ here is true.  Some of the facts have been shuffled around between the various shady characters, but there are people in my little pal's world who have done every bit of this!

Private Nut: True Tales from the Oak Tree Office of a Pint-Sized Private Eye

Private Nut - March 18.
"I knew she was trouble the minute she came into my office.  I looked her over, ending with those dark brown eyes.  Yeah, you can guess where I started - I was sure those boots had kicked a few shins before."

Private Nut: Nice Guys - March 19
"This was getting out of hand.  But I could show her out-of-hand.  I went right to the bottom of the pile.  I didn't even have to look at the paper.  I'd retold the story over a hundred double bourbons..."

Private Nut: Day Off - April 8

Private Nut: Behind the Scenes - April 12
"These new detective stories are a smash hit that’s sweeping the forest!  Now there’s a movie, and we’re here to catch up with its star.  Taking a break in the grueling shooting schedule, getting a well deserved rubdown, it’s Sugarbush Squirrel!"

Private Nut: Happy Hour - April 16
"I noticed that fresh drinks had appeared in front of us.  I took a sip to numb the pain, and another to numb the brain.  I decided to stay a while.  You can say it was bourbon goggles.  The fact is this little lady had always caught my eye."

Private Nut: Band Aids - April 22
"“I heard your baritone humming earlier.  You like a tight bottom end?” I may have a brain the size of a lead singer’s modesty, but I can figure out a single-entendre.  I suddenly thought the evening might wind up back at my pad after all."

Private Nut: Christmas Party - December 25
"Her lithe legs became exclamation points, dotted by wispy high heels, black with a little gold trim.  Her shoulder length strawberry-blonde hair slid with purpose through the air as she turned her head to face me.  She sat up and smiled at me..."

After the holidays, our little anti-hero has to get back to work.
"My work was nothing but following losers and creeps and scum and lowlifes, documenting their wickedness for whoever might hate them enough to pay.  After a day like today, I could hardly wait."


Shawn Mahaney
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