Shawn Mahaney

Last Updated: 11/21/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 38
Sign: Cancer

State: South Carolina
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/22/2005

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Wednesday, August 19, 2009 

Current mood:wrinkly
Category: Life
Your Future is Not In the Stars - It's In the Moon

Since the dawn of humanity, we've been looking for ways to foretell what's to come.  From tea leaves to the celestial bear that's sneaking up to bugger Orion, from stochastic distributions of subatomic properties to the Brett Farve retirement cycle, people have turned to oracles of all shapes and sizes to give them a sign.

Today we learn about a long-lost ancient art, which is a perfect marriage of astrology and palm reading - Rumpology!  Yep, the craters in your own moon can tell us not just what kind of toilet paper you use, but if you're going to get screwed in romance or if brown-nosing at work will put you in the executive washroom.
"With nine years' experience as a clairvoyant, Sam defends her practice with an accurate reading of my life: 'The right cheek is the future and the left cheek is the past, and you have a square-shaped bottom, meaning you put your career first.'

She also tells me I'm not a big risk-taker with money and will settle down later in life.

Considering she knows I am a journalist, this is standard stuff.

She does hit on one very good point, though: 'You have bad knees and that's where you hold all your stress.'

I have Osgood-Schlatter disease (a bony lump of muscle on the knee bone) and this is always worse when I'm stressed.

'I'm also concerned you're not sleeping much as then you get too sensitive and you suffer from headaches.'

I came away very optimistic
. "

Let me take a shot at this...  I predict a relatively easy life, possibly with fame and fortune, for the owner if this rear end:

They say her name is "Beyonce".  How do you think I did?

Anyway, some are still skeptical.
"The astrologer, palmist, Tarot card reader, psychic, or rumpologist provides the client with verbal data that purports (a) to be meaningful and significant to the client and (b) to have been obtained by the skill of the reader practicing some arcane art. In fact, however, to be a successful rumpologist you do not have to have much skill at anything arcane and you don’t really have to know anything specific about your clients. You will be amazed at how you can tell people just about anything and make them think that there’s no way you could have known that! And you will amaze people at how much you can tell about them just by examining the marks and bumps on their butts."

Party pooper.

The art has some well-known expert practicioners.  Among them is Sylvester Stallone's mother, Jaqueline.
She'll do your reading, from a color photo, for only $125.  It includes an 8x10 print of your rump - as if you wanted that.

For that much money, I expect a manual and a sample rump for reading, attached to an attractive co-ed.