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Because Knowing Is Half The Battle
Category: Life
So
I just got an email from Ashley “Colon Blow” Thunder, in which she
essentially told me the following: “We’re all gonna die!!!” It seems
that today, the Department Of Social Services got the unemployment
figures for September of this year, and 15 (FIF-FUCKING-TEEN) counties
in South Carolina are reporting double-digit unemployment, with six
additional counties reporting nine percent. So clearly, we are headed
for some sort of economic Armageddon, in which animal skin clad
subhumans will wander a post-apocalyptic desert landscape in
marauding bands, subsisting on a diet of babyflesh and living in a
gasoline/water based economy. And what the hell are you going to do
when they drive the charred remains of a ’77 Buick up to your cave,
trying to steal the last of your canned peas and your special
urine-to-water filtration system? What are you going to do then,
hotshot? Well, luckily, my good friend and chief of security, Shawn
“The Jungle Lemur” Mahaney, has been preparing for just such a societal
collapse for about 37 years, ever since he was in those adorable “Lil’
Commando” camofluage pull-ups. And he’s got some great survival tips
for when everything goes to hell. Merry Christmas! Take it away, Shawn!
Food:
We
have to think about different time scales here. Fresh bread is nice on
days one through three. After that - if you're lucky you've got a
penicillin farm. Beyond that, canned goods might work for a year or
two. For real long-term siege situations, we need the real deal -
military field rations like MREs. This can get expensive, so shop
around. An agressive ebayer can get a case of MREs for about thirteen
cents (these may not be exactly mil-spec, and may be post-dated, but we
all know those expiration dates are 'just a suggestion').
Shelter:
Shelter is easy, if you've already built your replica of the Landmaster from Damnation Alley, seen here:
 (Editor's Note to Self: Begin building replica of Landmaster from Damnation Alley) Should your material resources, and welding skill, fall short of that, remember these principles of compound design:
- Elevation
- Shooting Lanes
- Escape Tunnels
- Discrete Land Mines
- Map of Said Land Mines
- Extra Copy of Map of Said Land Mines
Water:
Clear
running water good. Stagnant brackish smelly muck bad. If you don't
build your compound by a steady running stream, get used to the taste
of iodine.
Weapons:
This is the fun part! Just think
about every possible scenario, from close quarters combat in a
subterranean maze-like facility which is pseudo-randomly lit for
dramatic effect, to 1500-meter single-shot kills of squirrels (you'll
burn more calories going to retrieve the critter than you'll get from
the meat, but it's good practice), and buy for as many scenarios as you
can afford. Should you not want to bother with guns, there's always the
Bud K catalog: 
I
realize that not every one can afford a fully kitted out assault rifle
with dual scopes, tactical light, bipod grip, expanded magazine, and
oversize suppressor - and that's what I'm counting on for my own
survival plan.
Marauding, Nightmarish Bands Of Subhuman Looters and/or Zombies:
I
have limited experience here. The only roving zombie bands I've dealt
with are post-last-call drunks at IHOP, and they're generally harmless.
So, when the real mobs come, seek out real experts. Find your friend
who watches waaaay too many zombie movies. I'll be at Val's house,
filling sandbags. Editor's Note: It also may be beneficial to
keep some small, delicious children around, in order to hurl them at
your attackers while fleeing and/or barricading.
11:39 AM
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