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Nov 28, 2008

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 37
Sign: Cancer

State: South Carolina
Country: US

Signup Date: 05/22/05

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008


[3/6] – The Loss, pt 2, Flying Solo
Current mood: adored
Category: Life

As noted by a single friend my age, when we were about 30, the gals he was meeting all had a 'complete' life, job and house and more.  No room had been left for anyone else.  I've long called this the true negative message from Barbie – it's not about body image, it's about lifestyle.  A Barbie doll can have and be anything (as long as you buy the right accessory kit!).  Of course this doesn't only apply to girls and their dolls.  Working non-stop to advance yourself, to get to the next externally-defined goal, can leave you perpetually anxious about "making it", while never being content.

Many do get their own nuclear family set-up, but that's it.  The individual spouse becomes the entire social, support, and romantic life.  ONE PERSON IS NOT ENOUGH to carry all your everyday emotional baggage (and adding kids to the mix does not help!).  How many people have you known who got tight with a significant other, moved in together, and then the both of them just disappeared?  Three of four years later, were they still together and happy?  Were any of them irrepairably estranged from their old friends?

I pointed out once, after getting a 'just friends' speech, that a friendship is more difficult to sustain than a romance.  It's practically a definition of a romance that one can take his or her partner for granted to some extent.  After a certain point, there's a commitment that each person will be coming back to the other.  It's a given that those two people will be going out, or staying in, together.  Other arrangements are the exception.

But your friends are not usually people with whom you have such a defined relationship.  Remember here that we're not talking about soccer-mom type connections, where you might be in the same place on a regular schedule, and chit-chat during the activity.  We're talking about people who have an old deep friendship between them, which usually comes from many years of both trivial and substantial interaction.  These people know each other well enough to make fair presumptions, like expecting to be included in a get-together, or assuming it's ok to grab something from the fridge without asking.

It's important that singles and couples have regular emotionally intimate contact with other people.  It's terribly easy to set up a routine that does not include those other people.  I say that the answer is to make those other people routine!

You probably have a great reserve of compassion, love, and patience.  So what are you *doing* with it?  (And how do you recharge when that reserve is tested?)

{on to part 4}

Currently reading :
Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World
By Rachel Sarah

8:09 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment -


I agree wholeheartedly. I think one of the misconceptions of marriage (or an exclusive romantic relationship) is that the two partners must have common interests, or at least take part in each other's hobbies, activites, etc. Some people think they need to do everything together. I don't think that's healthy. I honestly don't have any interest in my husband's gun restoration projects, and if he goes out in the garage or down in the basement to tinker with stuff, I can guarantee you I won't be by his side taking notes, trying learning about the process. It's his thing. When he goes to his buddy's house to play D&D, I don't come along. And vice versa, when I take part in activites or do things with my friends, that don't interest him in the least. The thing is - we interface in ways that ARE important, for our relationship. If we did everything together, we'd go insane, lol.

My mom's parents did absolutely everything together. They came along to each other's haircut appointments, EVERYTHING. And they hated every minute, lol. They didn't maintain or cultivate friendships outside their marriage, either. They just were - with each other. Always. It wasn't exactly a blissful existence, said my mom.

Posted by Hilary on Nov 12, 2008 10:08 AM
[Reply to this]


Agreed. Women have so many options these days. I also believe once you obtain your customized accessory pack you think...is this it? I worked that hard to feel like this? People can try and deny but there are basic roles that each sex fulfills and women wanting to be cared for by a male will never change no matter what you have or where you go. It's a core calling and a need NOT a weakness.

As for remaining an individual...that's the trickiest part in the equation..those are the things that attracted your partner or future partner to you...what makes you up is what you have to offer in the relationship...let all that go and you don't have much to give other than constant companionship which will drive even the neediest person away, fast.

Posted by Cynthia on Nov 12, 2008 11:19 AM
[Reply to this]


I hope more guys read your multi-blog! I don't want to be with someone I HAVE to see everyday I want someone that makes me WANT to see them/talk to them everyday! I never understood those couples that were so caught up in what the other person was doing when they weren't in their field of vision that they couldn't enjoy the time they had to themselves or let the other person enjoy the time on their own. If they make you miserable when you aren't with them how can you enjoy being together? I can't miss you if you won't go away!! Preach on brother!!!

Posted by Natalie on Nov 12, 2008 3:34 PM
[Reply to this]


"I can't miss you if you won't go away!"

I love it.

Posted by HVY MTL on Nov 12, 2008 3:37 PM
[Reply to this]

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