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Howdy, Neighbor!
Current mood:  cantankerous
Category: Life
You
can't pick your family. But you can move a thousand miles away
from them! The trouble is - you also can't pick your
neighbors.
Oh sure, you might try to be discriminating,
do some homework, pore over neighborhood guides, commit to spending a
little extra if needed, and even interview the gossipy mail courier {I
love my mail lady - but I'd be a damned fool to tell her
anything!}. But, sure as dirty car wash water runs downhill into
your terraced orchid garden, things will change as soon as you return
the U-Haul.
That cute 10 year old redhead across the street will
promptly become a teenager, courted by boyfriends who drive '82
Camaros. The old lady next door will move away and thirty guys
named Rodriguez will start hot-bunking in shifts in her two bedroom
bungalow. The other old lady will become functionally senile -
functional enough to call the cops every other day because your holly
bush is really a vampire that's waiting to bite her (yes, I've dealt
with this one!). The quiet guy behind you will get a big new
welder and cause brownouts for the whole block (sorry, my bad).
If you're really unlucky, the thirty-something couple in the triplex
townhouse will start hosting late night dance parties, driven by tiny
computer speakers cranked up to plasticky distortion.
Thankfully, there's help! Courtesy of the internet...
Doing
a little research for a friend who's futilely attempting to take
control over who moves in next to her, I found a number of helpful
resources.
If you're looking for a place, and want to steer clear of trouble (or you want to rat on a current neighbor),
http://www.rottenneighbor.com/
"RottenNeighbor.com
is the first real estate search engine of its kind, helping you find
troublesome neighbors before you sign the paperwork on your new house,
condo or apartment."
For example, if you're a divorcee cat-lady, you might want to avoid this guy,
"KILLS CATS AND KITTENS!
HOLLYWOOD AVE
Selden, NY 11784 US" But
how do you know if you have bad neighbors, I mean *before* your animals
disappear, bottle rockets get stuck in your siding, or you step in dung
piles the size of Kias? Well, if a family is building a 30 foot
high trebuchet - beware. (Second entry, top tow)
http://www.punkinchunkin.com/images/galleries/2004/teams/index.htm
How
do you know if it's you?? The enlightened individual must at some
point have this concern. Well, here's one tounge-in-cheek
suggestion, with odd photos.
http://whimsicalconcoctions.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-know-you-are-bad-neighbor-when.html
{We used to have a lawn care customer do this, but she was an old widower - not a smiling young man.}
Once
you've found a problem, how do you get rid of bad neighbors?
Here's a serious article, which starts nice but ends with a full
surveillance routine:
http://www.howtogetridofstuff.com/people/how-to-get-rid-of-bad-neighbors
My suggestion - buy a mountain. Skip the neighbors entirely, and just play the video game!
Neighbors From Hell
"You
play the game by sneaking around your neighbors house and planting
traps, screwing things up and just being an all around jerk. How cool
is that. To top that off, you have an audience who laughs and chuckles
when you do evil things. The more you torment your neighbor, the higher
you score"
---
Bonus! From the 'corporate good neighbors' advertising meme museum,
http://blog.modernmechanix.com/mags/qf/c/PopularScience/7-1936/xlg_bell_good_neighbors.jpg
You have *got* to see the blouse on "Miss Brown", Bell System representative.
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