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Age: 37
Sign: Cancer

State: South Carolina
Country: US

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Thursday, July 17, 2008


Howdy, Neighbor!
Current mood: cantankerous
Category: Life

You can't pick your family.  But you can move a thousand miles away from them!  The trouble is - you also can't pick your neighbors. 

Oh sure, you might try to be discriminating, do some homework, pore over neighborhood guides, commit to spending a little extra if needed, and even interview the gossipy mail courier {I love my mail lady - but I'd be a damned fool to tell her anything!}.  But, sure as dirty car wash water runs downhill into your terraced orchid garden, things will change as soon as you return the U-Haul.

That cute 10 year old redhead across the street will promptly become a teenager, courted by boyfriends who drive '82 Camaros.  The old lady next door will move away and thirty guys named Rodriguez will start hot-bunking in shifts in her two bedroom bungalow.  The other old lady will become functionally senile - functional enough to call the cops every other day because your holly bush is really a vampire that's waiting to bite her (yes, I've dealt with this one!).  The quiet guy behind you will get a big new welder and cause brownouts for the whole block (sorry, my bad).  If you're really unlucky, the thirty-something couple in the triplex townhouse will start hosting late night dance parties, driven by tiny computer speakers cranked up to plasticky distortion.

Thankfully, there's help!  Courtesy of the internet...
Doing a little research for a friend who's futilely attempting to take control over who moves in next to her, I found a number of helpful resources.

If you're looking for a place, and want to steer clear of trouble (or you want to rat on a current neighbor),
"RottenNeighbor.com is the first real estate search engine of its kind, helping you find troublesome neighbors before you sign the paperwork on your new house, condo or apartment."
For example, if you're a divorcee cat-lady, you might want to avoid this guy,

Selden, NY 11784 US"

But how do you know if you have bad neighbors, I mean *before* your animals disappear, bottle rockets get stuck in your siding, or you step in dung piles the size of Kias?  Well, if a family is building a 30 foot high trebuchet - beware.  (Second entry, top tow)

How do you know if it's you??  The enlightened individual must at some point have this concern.  Well, here's one tounge-in-cheek suggestion, with odd photos.
{We used to have a lawn care customer do this, but she was an old widower - not a smiling young man.}

Once you've found a problem, how do you get rid of bad neighbors?  Here's a serious article, which starts nice but ends with a full surveillance routine:

My suggestion - buy a mountain.  Skip the neighbors entirely, and just play the video game!
Neighbors From Hell
"You play the game by sneaking around your neighbors house and planting traps, screwing things up and just being an all around jerk. How cool is that. To top that off, you have an audience who laughs and chuckles when you do evil things. The more you torment your neighbor, the higher you score"


Bonus!  From the 'corporate good neighbors' advertising meme museum,
You have *got* to see the blouse on "Miss Brown", Bell System representative.

Currently playing :
Postal 2
Release date: By 2003-03-15

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