Apologies in advance
Current mood: amused
[It gets better, honest!]
was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing ten
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is.
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.
The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'
The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was
waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked..."How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
My goodness that sure is a lot she exclaimed. Then she proceeded to
describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to
the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
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